Dave Says: Compromises Are Part of Marriage

Dear Dave,

My wife and I have been married for two years, and we both have good jobs. Together, we bring home around $190,000 combined. We also have $100,000 in a savings account, and no debt except for our mortgage. A couple of weeks ago, I was contacted about an opportunity to take a job in commercial real estate in my hometown. To be honest, this kind of work has been a dream of mine for several years. The problem is my wife is upset by the idea of moving. She says it’s because she doesn’t want to be even further away from her family, but it seems like something else is bothering her. Do you have any advice?

— Freddie

Dear Freddie,

Anytime you’re in a relationship and something like this happens, it’s a little like making a sale in that you’ve got to dig out the real reason for the objection. It could very well be that she doesn’t want to be further away from her family, and that’s natural—to an extent. But like you said, there could be other factors involved.

There might be something in your past that bothers her, or something she doesn’t want you to revisit. There may even be feelings of discomfort with your family for things that have happened or been said. It could also be the insecurity that goes along with a move, a new home, and a new job. I don’t know how far away you’re talking about moving, but it could also be she’s worried about leaving her job.

From a relationship standpoint, you two each need to lay your cards on the table and be honest with each other. Open up, and really talk about it. Otherwise, it’s going to become a sore spot and cause even more problems. Part of marriage is making compromises. Sometimes compromises must be made by one, or both, people in order to do what’s best for the relationship in the present and in the long run.

It could be that you just need an impartial referee. Would you both be willing to attend a few sessions with a good pastor or marriage counselor together? Talking to either one doesn’t mean your marriage is on the rocks, but sometimes a compassionate and objective third party can help dig down below the surface to uncover issues and help find a reasonable solution to problems.

I hope this helps. God bless you both, Freddie.

— Dave