Freedom in Forgiveness

This excerpt explores the healing process and power of forgiveness in marriage, emphasizing how it is a choice—not a feeling—that brings restoration and wholeness. Through biblical truth, practical steps, and emotional insight, readers will discover how to experience lasting freedom in forgiveness, both in their relationship with God and with their spouse.

“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”
– Corrie Ten Boom

We don’t need to tell you that being in a relationship guarantees hurt feelings and offenses. As the old saying goes, we hurt most the ones we love most. So learning to forgive is vital if we want a marriage that is strong and able to withstand the storms of life.

Let’s take a moment and define forgiveness, so we’re all on the same page before diving deeper into the concept. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It’s an action you choose to do. It’s giving up your right to resentment, retribution, and revenge. Forgiveness is refusing to revisit the offense in your mind and with your words or actions. Furthermore, forgiveness is unlimited and unconditional.

On the other hand, forgiveness does not mean you weren’t hurt, but rather that you are choosing to move forward. It doesn’t mean you forget what happened, but you don’t hold it against the offender. Forgiveness is not excusing the behavior.

So what, exactly, are we supposed to forgive? Everything! Forgiveness, at its root, is letting go of and disregarding the debt of sin. In essence, it’s ripping up the bill. While it frees the forgiver from bitterness, it does not free the sinner from the consequences.

Your forgiveness of others correlates with God’s forgiveness of you:

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses (Mark 11:25-26).

Forgiveness is essential because our relationships—with God as well as with our spouse—cannot survive without it. Unforgiveness is a wall. Every time we refuse to forgive—even for the smallest of offenses—we add another brick to the wall. Eventually, it seems insurmountable.

Science has shown that our emotional and physical health depend on our ability to forgive. The bitterness that develops from unforgiveness can, if left unchecked, lead to depression, anxiety, heart problems, headaches, lowered self-esteem, high blood pressure, weight gain or loss, a weakened immune system, and a whole host of other physical problems. Letting go of resentment can free you from physical and emotional pain.

When we choose not to forgive, it can lead to bitterness, which can escalate to hostility, hatred, and eventually a hardened heart. A hardened heart full of bitterness cannot engage in a loving relationship with God, your spouse, or others—and eventually coats every part of your life.

Forgiveness Is a Two-Way Street

While it seems like the burden for the actual work of forgiveness falls squarely on the shoulders of the offended, we cannot ignore that the offender also carries a responsibility to restore harmony in the marital relationship.

When you realize you have offended your spouse, you need to ask for their forgiveness. First, acknowledge the exact offense. To restore peace and intimacy in your marriage, you need to be specific. You need to understand and acknowledge that you did, indeed, hurt your spouse’s feelings. Then humbly request their forgiveness.

If you are the spouse who is offended, graciously extend forgiveness to your spouse when it is requested. If you need time to process the hurt, it’s okay to say, “Yes, I want to forgive you for XYZ, but I need to spend some time in prayer and the Word to process it.” But don’t wait for an apology before you forgive. You may be waiting a long time.

How to Forgive

We are NOT meant to carry the heavy burden of unforgiveness, bitterness, and revenge. The longer we try, the heavier they become. Jesus invites us to exchange those burdens for His:

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30).

Here are some concrete steps you can take to practice the art of forgiving someone:

• Feel to heal. As contrary as it may seem, you must feel to heal! Feelings that are swept under the rug do not heal. They multiply like dust bunnies underneath the bed. One of the best ways we can work through our feelings is to write them down, pray over them, and give them to God.
• Journal it. A word of caution is in order here: do not keep a journal to keep track of grievances. After all, love “keeps no record of being wronged” (1 Corinthians 13:5 NLT). The purpose of writing about your hurts is to process your feelings and then release them into your Father’s loving care.

You’ll see that journaling about hurts will help you trace the redemption that is birthed through the process of forgiveness. After you’ve forgiven someone for a particular offense, either rip the paper to shreds or put it in your fire pit. Or you can write “FORGIVEN” in bold letters across that page as a reminder to set aside the hurt when it comes to mind.

• Go to God. Set aside some time to get alone with God. Make a list of the offenses lurking in your heart—no matter how long ago they occurred—then aloud (and in writing if you choose) say, “Father, I choose to forgive (who) for (what) that happened on (when) at (where). Please help me to leave the offense here at the foot of the cross.”
• Say it out loud. Words have power; use them for good. Pyschologically speaking, hearing ourselves forgive someone aloud and release the desire for revenge is much more powerful than just thinking about it. That’s why we encourage you to practice forgiving audibly.
• Ask for help. If the wrongdoing is particularly grievous, or if you’ve been holding on to a list of wounded feelings for a long time, a Christian counselor can help you work through them to bring about restoration to your marriage.

…

Excerpt taken from Simple Steps to a Happy Marriage by Inspiration Ministries

At the Spiritual Growth Hub, you’ll find free Bible-based tools to help you walk in victory every day. Start your journey to lasting spiritual freedom today.