Anita Knight Kuhnley and The Mister Rogers Effect (Part 3)

John Farrell: There’s a quote by Mister Rogers that you use in your book: “When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is. The lovely with the unlovely. The strong with the fearful. The true mixed in with the façade. And, of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.” What are your thoughts on what he means, especially in the context of what’s going on in today’s world?

Anita Knight Kuhnley: That’s a very powerful quote when we talk about acceptance. One of the things that Mister Rogers talked about was the white space and how when readers would reflect on a quote or something that was written, sometimes there was some white space on the page, and maybe that space was intentionally left blank to give them some space to just think about what had been said and to reflect on it. He believed what was more important than the words themselves was what you would make of them in terms of what they meant to you and how you would apply them to your life.

It’s challenging at times to love ourselves, but Mister Rogers shared with Senator Pastore that he believed what he offered—what he gave on his program—was an expression of care. We talked about what his grandpa told him and what he shared with viewers—that expression of care—but he had to internalize that message from his grandpa. As he received that message from his grandpa, he was able to then share it with others.

I think about the research on empathy and how we often talk about empathy and think about empathy toward others. Self-empathy and self-compassion may not be discussed as often, but empathy requires us to connect with a vulnerable feeling within ourselves in order to connect to what someone else is feeling. If my friend is feeling sadness over the loss of a pet, I may need to connect with the vulnerable feelings of sadness that I’ve felt over a loss in my history to connect with her feeling of sadness. In some ways, empathy requires that vulnerability.

If we’re able to be kind to ourselves, be present with our emotions, and accept our emotions, then we can be more willing to do that with others. If we’re uncomfortable with an emotion like sadness or anger or something else and have a challenge with giving ourselves permission to feel that, it can be very uncomfortable to try to sit with someone else with that feeling and that emotion.

The Health Benefits of Being Grateful

JF: In the “Show Gratitude” chapter you talk a little bit about the health implications of being grateful. Can you please explain that a little bit?

Anita: It’s amazing to see. We’ve heard people say many times how important it is to count your blessings. From a Christian perspective, biblically one might say that people often ask about what the will of God is for their lives or what’s the will of God in a given situation. Sometimes it’s very clear.

We read in the scriptures that it’s God’s will for us to be thankful in all situations. As a Christ follower, one might be very familiar with that idea, but when we see that science is catching up with that idea and we see research coming out by, for example, Martin Seligman, who’s known as the father of positive psychology, and he talks about and has analyzed what he calls signature strengths. He describes gratitude as a signature strength.

One of the benefits of gratitude is that the people that we’re in a relationship with can tend to have higher levels of satisfaction if we’re expressing gratitude. You mentioned its health benefits, like it lowers blood pressure, enhances immune function, and decreases depression levels. Not only does gratitude benefit us health-wise, but it also benefits the relationship satisfaction of people that we’re in a relationship with. Gratitude is a free treatment that can be applied and make a big difference in terms of elevating mood and enhancing well-being.

A lot of times when people go to counseling, a counselor will talk to them about journaling and taking time to process feelings and emotions. Sometimes when people struggle to set goals, one of the things they’ll be encouraged to do is journal about things that they’re grateful for and it’s amazing the difference that this strategy can make. Gratitude has its own rewards.

The Power of Radical Kindness

JF: Is there anything else that Mister Rogers has taught the world or that the world has learned from Mister Rogers that we need a reminder of today?

Anita: I think if we go back to that encounter between Senator Pastore and Mister Rogers, Senator Pastore was a self-proclaimed tough guy, and he was irritable. The presidential administration at that time was looking at routing the funding away from public television toward different efforts going on at the time. Mister Rogers’ program was on the chopping block, so he was there to advocate for something, but in less than seven minutes, he transformed that senator from an adversary to an ally, won $20 million, saved public television, and never raised his voice. He never showed anger.

He talked about the song “What Do You Do with the Mad That You Feel?” He picked up on the senator’s irritation and responded compassionately and respectfully, even as he advocated. I think he showed us an example of how you can advocate, disagree respectfully, and connect with people who aren’t like you or have different beliefs.

The other thing he did was during a time when racism was running high and people were chasing African-American people out of swimming pools with chemicals because of racism. Mister Rogers invited Officer Francoise Clemons to be a recurring character on his television program. He was one of the first African Americans to serve in a recurring role on public television. He also invited Officer Clemmons to come swimming in his pool. He made it very clear where he stood and that when he talked about his neighbor he was inclusive. He was including everyone as his neighbor.

Some may think of Mister Rogers as an unlikely person to take a stand and make a difference. He was so gentle and so kind, but I think he showed us that you can exercise radical kindness and make a difference and advocate. I think that’s important to remember.

JF: What’s next for you?

Anita: I’ve been thinking about a Mister Rogers Effect devotional where we unpack each of these secrets and look at the underlying secret for Mister Rogers. He was a man of faith. He was ordained as a Presbyterian minister, and it was important to him to reach people from all walks of life. Although he never necessarily quoted the Bible on his programming, his theme was all about loving your neighbor and caring for your neighbor, and he lived that out so incredibly well.

It’s just an inspiration to study God’s Word alongside his life and see an example of how someone during modern times really lived that out and applied that in ways that made such a difference and reached so many people. The seven secrets could each stand on its own as a separate book so we’ll see where that goes, but I’m sure there’ll be more writing in the works.

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Order your copy of The Mister Rogers Effect: 7 Secrets to Bringing Out the Best in Yourself and Others from America’s Beloved Neighbor by Dr. Anita Knight Kuhnley

Image credit: Unknown Author / Henrietta Pussycat, Fred Rogers, and X the Owl / Public Domain