How to Deal with Loneliness

I entered the house filled with hope but left in tears.

As the newest member of the Bible study, I hoped this potluck would help me connect, get to know others, and let people get to know me. They were friendly, Godly people, full of laughter and life but not without heartache: undiagnosed chronic pain, unemployment, a wayward daughter.

I asked questions, I listened, I mingled—no easy feat for an introvert. I even “oohed” and “aahed” at pictures of grandkids. But something wasn’t right. When it was over, I gathered my dish, thanked the hosts, rushed to my car, and burst into tears.

One person had asked me one question. One. Was I not worth getting to know?

Granted, I could have volunteered information about myself without waiting for a question. I could have more deftly seized pauses in conversation instead of acting like an awkward junior higher hugging the wall at a school dance. And I could have recognized the true cause of my lonely tears.

Definition

Loneliness is a deep sadness stemming from our lack of connection with others. Doctors claim loneliness weakens our immune system, makes us more prone to heart disease, reduces our life span, and generally lessens our quality of life. And loneliness doesn’t discriminate, harming both young and old, Christian and non-Christian, single and married.

I was a married Christian woman, and I was deeply lonely. The potluck I went to that night consisted mostly of couples, but I went without my husband. My solo appearances were happening more and more frequently as my husband withdrew from the church and from our marriage.

A few years after that potluck, at age 50, I sat alone in an old, smelly apartment, weeping over the loss of my marriage, rejected by the one who was supposed to love me the most.

In facing my loneliness, I’ve learned some key ways to rise above it. At DivorceCare at my church, I now share my story in a talk called “The ABC’s of Combating Loneliness.” Resisting loneliness can be a battle fraught with pain, setbacks, and discouragement, but the fight is well worth the effort.

A is for Accept and Process the Feelings

In “The ABC’s of Combating Loneliness” the “A” stands for Acceptance. I don’t mean the shrug-your-shoulders-and-give-up kind of acceptance. I mean the open-your-eyes-and-face-it kind of acceptance. I didn’t really want to admit that I was lonely; to utter the word would make it real and make me appear weak. Worst of all, it would make me feel the deep heartache I’d been trying so hard to push down. I finally realized I couldn’t heal from what I hadn’t grieved and processed. Instead of numbing with busyness, or Netflix, I needed to let the feelings surface and deal with them.

In some ways, not wanting to admit I was lonely seems silly to me now. Of course, suddenly flying solo after 25 years of marriage would make a person lonely. Of course, it would hurt. I had to accept that I was feeling lonely, and then I had to accept my responsibility to do something about it.

B is for Build Friendships

This brings me to “B” for BUILD. If loneliness is a lack of deep connection with others, then to combat loneliness, we need to build more connections, or at least build better connections. Building friendships takes time and effort and promises a few setbacks along the way, especially if a broken friendship is what caused the loneliness in the first place. Rejection makes it difficult to trust again. We need to proceed with patience and caution, trusting in God’s guidance as we navigate tumultuous relationship waters that once seemed so safe and serene.

Learning to trust again is worth the risk. I attended a writer’s conference after my divorce, armed with a special prayer: to connect with another writer. I prayed for a mentor. I got something better: a dear friend. At a relationship class at church, I met another special woman whose friendship has changed my life. The love and support of these two women have been indispensable in my battle against loneliness.

What if I hadn’t trusted them? What if I hadn’t trusted God, who was prodding me to get out the door? Loneliness would still lurk, dark and heavy, stealing my joy.

C is for Connect with God

Finally, the “C” in the “ABC’s of Combating Loneliness” is Connecting to God.

As we deal with our loneliness, do we see God as aloof, distant, or uncaring? Or do we see God as approachable, tender, and loving. Is He disappointed in us, eager to point out our repeated mistakes, or does He cry with us in our pain, pleased to bring us comfort? Is He good? Does He delight in us? Our feelings of loneliness are greatly influenced by what we think about God.

Times of loneliness create perfect opportunities to reflect on how we see God and whether we want to connect with Him for the first time, reconnect after an absence, or connect on a deeper level. In my head, I’ve known God is good and that He loves me, but I’ve never experienced His love as deeply in my heart as during the lonely time of my divorce. I don’t always feel His presence, but I know I’m never abandoned by him. I know I’m not alone, which brings me to a different potluck with 100 people, all singles from church. Forgetting to bring food, I snuck in the side door, hid my empty hands in my pockets, and slipped into an empty seat next to my friend. With a lowered voice, I confessed my forgetfulness to which she replied, “Becky, I’m just glad you’re here.”

May we seek diligently until we find our people who say, “I’m just glad you’re here.”
May we love others fully and remember to say, “I’m just glad you’re here.”
May we approach God, on our loneliest days, and believe Him when He says, “I’m just glad you’re here.”

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame” (Isaiah 58:11, NIV).

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“Whoever sows generously will also reap generously.” 2 Corinthians 9:6

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