Unison Parenting #3: Managing Your Own Parents

Children’s children are a crown to the aged,
and parents are the pride of their children.
(Proverbs 17:6 NIV)

During a zoo outing with his son’s family and their two preschool boys, the grandfather wasn’t happy with the oldest boy’s behavior. The four-year-old was demanding, out of sorts, running ahead, and exhibiting obnoxious four-year-old behavior.

The grandfather kept scolding his son. “Don’t you realize you’re too lax with him? This behavior will just multiply into worse behavior as he gets older!”

Finally, the young father pushed back. “Dad, I understand what you’re saying, but you’re looking at a small sample size. You’re not around my son every day. You don’t see that today is unusual. He is in a new setting and not reacting well, plus he’s tired. You’re really making too much of one event.”

Who was right? While the grandfather made good points, the father was better positioned to see the day in the overall context of the boy’s life.

Even treasured grandparents can cross boundaries. Parents must assert their rights when grandparents have gone too far.

Here are three common ways in which grandparents can overreach. The most common and least offensive is spoiling their grandchildren. That’s one of the fun aspects of being a grandparent, but spoiling can be disruptive to parental policies. For example, if the child isn’t allowed to have certain foods or toys, a grandparent dissolves parenting partner unity by giving those to the child.

The second is when grandparents disagree with the parents’ policies and act accordingly. The grandparents might permit disallowed behavior or undermine parental policies they don’t like. Such toxic behavior should be quickly and clearly addressed.

The third is when grandparents become offended that a parent isn’t raising their child in the same way they were raised. The grandparents wonder if the parent is making a statement about their parenting. Their child can take a diplomatic approach, explaining that the grandchild’s parenting partners have come to an agreement on style and considered various inputs, including their own childhoods, in setting policy. Soothing the grandparents while keeping a boundary is the required balance.

Grandparents can be tremendous assets to a family, but relationship management may still be required.