Unison Parenting #2: Your Parents’ Influence on Your Parenting

A fallacy that parents suffer from is thinking that there are two main ways to parent: their parents’ style and the opposite.

I don’t believe that people intellectually believe this fallacy as much as they subconsciously feel it and then follow it in their parenting.

My observation is that parents gravitate toward behaving like their own parents. It makes sense because that style has been ingrained in them. Their parents’ habits, sayings, reactions, and policies naturally come out in their own parenting when they’re unsure or unintentional.

The opposite can also happen. If a parent strongly disliked their parents’ style, then the new parent may purposely go to the other extreme. For example, someone with a strict father may veer too far toward being a lenient parent.

Now realize this: your parenting partner (or partners, in step/blended situations) may possess the same biases regarding their family. The combinations of embedded parenting strategies multiply. What results is style conflict, a mishmash of decisions, inconsistencies, incoherent parenting tactics, tons of arguments, and ultimately, a confusing, unsettling situation for their child.

Clearly, parents need to get on the same page and stay there; that’s easier said than done. Parenting partners must uncover the effects of their parents on their own parenting views while searching for an ideal parenting style.

Parenting partners should research parenting styles, strategies, and techniques until they can agree on a methodology that is best for their family. At the same time, they must look deeply into their own upbringing, deciding what they might want to keep or discard as a parent while also discovering where their parents didn’t follow the ideal style.

Ultimately, it’s best to work toward forgiving your parents. That may mean a literal, spoken, or written forgiveness, but more likely, it’s an empathetic, internal forgiveness of acknowledging that parenting is hard, your parents did the best they could, and you will try to learn from their mistakes.

When parenting partners strive for common ground and consistency, they can give the child a secure environment in which to grow.