Unison Parenting #1: How Have Kids Changed?

After thirty-plus years in youth ministry, one of the common questions I get asked is how kids have changed over the years.

My short answer is, kids haven’t changed. The world around them has.

Modern children have not become a new, advanced species. They mature at the same rate as before, following the same sequence of change and growth and encountering the same basic problems that their parents did: confusion about the world; bad decisions; a lack of self-confidence; peer pressure; complete bafflement about the opposite gender while not fully understanding their own bodies; erratic hormonal behavior; showing maturity in one setting while displaying immaturity in another.

But the world around them has changed. The difference is available to them through phones and laptops and streaming services, what is available on social media, and enticing offers and sinister threats.

Think how the younger you would have reacted to such a world. Thirteen-year-old me would have readily sought out answers to my confusion, even inappropriate answers, falling prey to temptations, bullying, and scams. I would’ve simultaneously felt ashamed, despondent, and exhilarated.

You would have to go to tremendous lengths to block out the world for your children. One family wouldn’t allow their kids to have toy guns and tried to hide the concept of guns from them. The next thing you know, their five-year-old is running around with his forefinger and thumb, aiming at things, and shouting, “Bang, bang!” He learned that while interacting with other children. Unless you blindfold your child and hide them in your closet, they are going to encounter and be influenced by the world in some way.

It’s better to set limits while allowing an age-appropriate increase in worldly interaction. Modern parenting requires conversation about temptation, self-image, and subtle peer pressure such as marketing telling your child they’re not good enough. Parenting now requires proactive (but not helicopter) construction of your child’s self-esteem. Modern parenting actually requires the same understanding that past parents needed: knowing what’s out there.

Another way to think of it is, kids haven’t really changed. But parents must.