suicide

Spiritual Suicide

John VealBy John Veal13 Minutes

With their flocks and herds they shall go to seek the Lord, but they will not find Him; He has withdrawn Himself from them.

—Hosea 5:6

 

At nineteen, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at North Carolina Central University in Durham, North Carolina. It was the best decision I had ever made. Not long after, however, I spiraled into a backslidden state for almost thirteen years. During this time of disobedience, I was committing spiritual suicide and didn’t even know it. We will get to that in a minute. Thankfully, at the age of thirty- two, I had an encounter with the Lord that changed the course of my life. The words He spoke to me that night changed how I view the ways we can kill ourselves spiritually.

It was 1998, and I was reading a book called A Divine Revelation of Hell by my friend Mary K. Baxter. Sadly, Mary moved into her heavenly abode on September 13, 2021, at the ripe old age of eighty-one. In her bestselling literary endeavor, Mary describes her supernatural tour of hell in great detail. Accompanied by Jesus, Mary was taken there in the spirit and endured a terrifying forty consecutive nights in the belly of the beast. I was so engrossed in her horrifying excursion through the kingdom of Satan that I couldn’t put it down. The more I read, the more convicted I became. I softly cried throughout. I highly recommend getting this book and reading it once a year. You most assuredly will reevaluate your salvation, ministry, and calling. (As a side note, I met Mrs. Baxter about five years after I read the book, and she looked me in the eye with the utmost sincerity and said in reference to her divine revelation of hell testimonies, “It’s all true.”)

With only two pages to go in Mary’s page-turner that evening, a tremendous urgency to rededicate myself to the Lord overwhelmed me. The first thing that I remember doing was speaking aloud the following verse as best I could. Trust me when I tell you that my knowledge of the Bible was rudimentary at best back then. I butchered this verse, but mercifully, the Lord honored my effort: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me” (Revelation 3:20).

As soon as I articulated this verse, the Father began to speak to my spirit. He said, somewhat sternly (at least from what I interpreted through my spirit), It’s time to follow me fully. I’ve allowed you to do what you’ve wanted, but now you have to make a choice: choose me or choose the world. If you make the wrong decision, the protective hedge [barrier, wall] that has been around you your whole life will be taken away.

Without conscious thought, I somehow knew He meant that I would be left to my own devices. I could do what I wanted to do, but the hedge of protection that He provided would no longer be available. Please understand that the Lord did not say He would leave me; only that He would no longer protect me. In the spirit, I felt as if His hand would no longer shield me from the attack of the evil one.

God’s Hand and Hedge

God’s hedge of protection and hand of protection are interchangeable; both are symbolic of provision and protection in the Bible. Spiritually, His hand is our hedge. Let’s look more closely at His hand of provision, hand of protection, and hedge of protection. Here are some Scriptures that cover these biblical principles:

Hand of Provision

So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?

Ecclesiastes 2:24–25 NLT

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

Psalm 145:16 NIV

 Hand of Protection

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life. You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes; with your right hand you save me.

Psalm 138:7 NIV

For the life of every living thing is in his hand, and the breath of every human being.

Job 12:10 NLT

 Hedge of Protection

You have always put a wall of protection around him [Job] and his home and his property. You have made him prosper in everything he does. Look how rich he is!

Job 1:10 NLT

Now let me tell you what I will do to my vineyard: I will tear down its hedges and let it be destroyed. I will break down its walls and let the animals trample it.

Isaiah 5:5 NLT

Note that in Job 1:10, Satan is speaking about Job. In the King James Version of this verse, the word used for “wall of protection” is hedge. (I will expound more on the Lord’s hedge of protection in chapter 7.)

In one online article, author and teacher Jeremy Meyers states, “Frequently, due to sin, rebellion, and the other factors, God simply withdraws His protective hand and allows sin, Satan, and chaos to have their way.”1 At times, the Lord will remove His hand or hedge or protection after giving a person multiple chances to do His will. God will also withdraw Himself (His Spirit) when He has an assignment for us and we continue to run from it (see Hosea 5:6).

God warned me that He would step back if I kept refusing to do things the way He wanted me to. I had chosen to live under a form of godliness that denied His power (see 2 Timothy 3:5), and He was growing weary of me. He essentially told me that it was now or never. If I wasn’t going to be about my Father’s business, then the Father would have nothing to do with my business. Sounds harsh, huh? That’s the way our heavenly Daddy talks to His hardheaded children, and I am one of them!

In Genesis 6:3, the Lord said, “My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, for he is indeed flesh; yet his days shall be one hundred and twenty years.” There are various schools of thought on the subject of this verse. It could mean exactly what it says. It could imply that the Lord would eventually wipe out His creation in the Flood 120 years after He made this statement. It could signify that the Father will not always protect us from calamity. Perhaps it’s referring to a man’s (or woman’s) eventual death. Let’s go with the thought that this verse is talking about God, who is Spirit, not always laboring with flesh (humankind). At that time, the Lord was dealing with a large segment of seditious and stubborn people who refused to believe the warning He gave to Noah concerning the impending destruction of the world by water, or the instructions He gave him to build the Ark.

The more rebellious we are, the further our flesh or carnal nature gets away from the protection of God’s hand or His hedge. The more we move out from under the Lord’s covering, the less His hand or hedge will shield us. In Psalm 91:1, as His children we are encouraged to dwell in His secret place and stay under “the shadow of the Almighty.” The shadow represents His presence, peace, power, and protection. In the natural, when light is present a shadow is cast, and you can move out from under the shade’s protection. In the same way, it’s possible in the spiritual to move out from under the shade— the shadow or canopy of God’s presence. To stay protected, we must endeavor to remain in the supernatural shade cast by the light of His presence.

Continuous disobedience to God slowly kills our spirit (life). When God told me to choose, the wrong decision could have meant my spiritual death, which was what the enemy desired. I could probably have lived a long life physically, but I wouldn’t be living in God’s shade (protected by Him) if I refused to accept His second chance—a chance I honestly didn’t deserve. He gave me a choice— live for Him or live for myself.

I replied, “I choose you!”

It was the only response that made sense to me. I said it aloud, with tears rolling down my face. Suddenly, I was refilled. It felt as if I were a half-full glass of water instantly filled to the brim. I found out later that the Holy Spirit had fully moved into my body. John 14:17 let me know that the Holy Spirit had been with me up to that point— but afterward, the Holy Spirit was in me (and still is). I will never forget that day. I became more alive from that day forward. Death no longer had any power over me. In fact, that day death died and I began to truly live. Hallelujah!

Content taken from Destroying Demonic Tactics by John Veal ©2024. Used by permission of Chosen, a division of Baker Publishing Group.