The Daughter-In-Law Connection: It’s Your Move

I know women who feel disconnected from their daughter-in-law. And I knew I didn’t want to join their club.

When my three sons were little, I knew there’d never be a woman good enough for them.

When they hit their teens, I feared I’d never find a woman to take them off my hands.

I need not have worried.

They brought three wonderful young women into the family, and I am thrilled. All love Jesus and each is dedicated to my son and their family.

God was clear.

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife” (Genesis 2:24a NKJV).

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde—as diverse in personality as in hair color.

Not only are the girls distinct in their personalities, mine is the fourth in the mix. And I’m glad to report we love one another deeply, and we’re grateful God brought us together.

Friends often ask, “You’re not just friendly, you’re family. How’d you do that?”

The answer’s simple: patience, perseverance, and a desire to please Jesus on the journey.

I had to learn how to develop my relationship with each of these gals as individuals. Because what worked with daughter-in-law number one would not necessarily work with the second and third in-law.

Sarah entered our lives as Jordan’s “friend” at 13-years-old. They married at 19.

Heather was 16 when Cameron introduced her to us; they married four years later.

With both of these beauties, I had time on my side, and we developed our relationships as they grew up. I witnessed their transformation from girls to women.

And then there were three.

Bryce and Penny had a short courtship: four months. At 28, she was grown up when I met her, so this was very different.

Penny’s a runner, an avid reader, and a gifted writer. I knew nothing about marathons or writing when we met. She’s not shy, but she was quieter than the others – at first.

I wanted to connect with her – more than anything. But I wasn’t sure how.

“It’s not bad, but it’s not good. Truthfully, it’s not anything,” said one woman. “There’s no bad blood, but there’s no connection. It’s like she forgets my son has a mother, until we’re together, and then it’s awkward.”

Another friend shared her experience,

“My son married a woman with three sisters, and all are close to their mother. At holidays, they all chat together, finishing one another’s sentences, and I’m excluded. I’m sitting right there, but it’s like I’m invisible. It’s devastating.”

I hoped Penny and I might be close. I loved her from the start. So, I asked God to help me develop our relationship.

Here’s what worked for me—and it might work for you, too.

Ask about her interests.

Ask her what she enjoys about running or traveling. People love to share their passions. It was Penny’s love of writing that prompted me to get serious about mine. It’s now something we share.

Invite her opinion.

Instead of planning the holidays  yourself, invite her to help. She has an opinion, so ask her to share it. You might discover how creative she is, and sharing the responsibility takes pressure off you.

Some of the best conversations with my daughter-in-laws are in the kitchen as we cook together. The shared activity makes the chatter more comfortable.

Tell her what you value about her.

• Is she a great mom? Tell her, specifically,why you think she’s a rock star.
• Good cook? Compliment her meals and ask for recipes.
• Successful professional? Ask about her work and let her know you admire her accomplishments.

If it’s uncomfortable face to face, drop her a note, or brag on her (in front of her) to other family members.

Pray for her.

It’s impossible to pray genuinely for God’s favor and direction in her life, while constantly criticizing her.

Pray, wholeheartedly, and see how your love for her (and your attitude) changes.

If your Mother-in-law is the standoffish one, you could use the same tactics on her.

So, it’s your move. Why not start today?

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Order your copy of Don’t Go to Bed Angry: Stay Up and Fight by Deb DeArmond